"But this is not the journey's sum. The tremendous is still in me somewhere. I did experience it all. I was surely not just dreaming. If only it would somehow come back to me. I have such longing for what has passed. I don't want to hold onto it and think about it. But I wish I could feel its presence half-intuitively in the things that are around me now. I will never cease to mourn these losses. Why did I forget that not dying is no the same as being alive, and that not sleeping is still a long way from being awake. To be awake and to be alive are deeds, not states. And I did not do them!"
RMR to LAS
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